2011 in perspective

31st december always finds me reflective. Its not something I plan, but somehow always seems to happen. and its rarely about the past year and what it has brought to me, but always about how I have reacted to those events. How I have changed and grown. 

Which is also why I do not plan. I not like resolutions and goals. And I do not want to have a 365 day challenge. It's not for me. I do not want to be doing things, because I have committed to it. I want to do things because I am enjoying it. And so, while most people think about what they want to be *doing* in the coming year, I think about what I want to *be* in the coming year. 

I have always been a very private person. For all the 29 years of my life. I had one philosophy. I am strong, and I can bear it all, but in a childish naive way. I dreamt dreams I knew would not materialise, taking pleasure in the mere act of dreaming them. I took risks with my heart, knowing it would give me nothing but misery. However, somehow, even when I was close to someone, I never managed to give myself up completely, even though I accepted them and ebbed and flowed with their emotions. My mantra was, "Accept me in your life, and share your troubles, your joys with me. But do not ask me to do the same." It worked well with most people. Everyone thought I was strong and courageous. Almost emotionally unconquerable…A few however, wanted to know the real me. And that scared me. To this date, I do not know why.  

Sometime in 2010, I watched a researcher talk about vulnerability. It talked about how unless we opened ourselves up to hurt, we couldn't live fully. It spoke to me directly. I knew of the concept, and I was already doing that. But I didn't go the entire way, I took others into my life, but never gave myself up. And so I decided that 2010 would be about feeling more intensely. About fighting my natural instinct to give my heart to people and projects. It was a hard time, but I learned. Slowly, consciously at first, and a little more naturally later. 

And so, when 2011 came around it was but obvious that I would take the next step. Not just allow myself to feel intensely, but also express how I feel. This is was the major challenge. I had always felt intensely, but my emotions were often masked by an unreadable face. Someone once had told me, "Your face is always so serene, but your eyes are a treasure trove of emotions. And yet, they need to learn to be read." I knew it was time to put those emotions into words. 

So I always knew it would be an interesting year. What I didn't know that it would be further complicated by a sudden illness that would drag out the entire year. For about 8 months, doctors diagnosed and treated me, and the rest of the 4 months, I convalesced. What that also meant was that I was on medications. Medications that wrecked my emotional stability and had the power to turn me within an hour from a happy content person, to a raging mass, to a teary eyed, blubbering mess. For all of you who have known me long enough, you'd know how calm and collected I generally am. And that is not a facade. I truly believe in the 'This too shall pass,' and that's helps get me past most ups and downs in life. My own sister must have seen me angry about 3 times in my life. But things changed fast and now I needed every ounce of my self determination to fight the emotional demons that were trying to wreck havoc. 

It was tempting, very tempting, to crawl back into my shell. To not tell anyone how I felt. The excuse I used was they loved me and it would worry them. Whilst that was true in part, I knew I was also going back to my usual self defence. Shut down. And so I had to dig deep. I tried to express to the people closest to me, with as much equanimity as I could garner, exactly what I was going through. As I lay, night after night, for weeks, feeling the cloud of depression envelope me, or the cycle of obsession completely take over my mind, I kept reminding myself, This is a phase. this too shall pass. I remember clearly, at one point of time, being able to almost disconnect myself from my thoughts, and was able to tell myself, this is not you. You can fight it.

It's not been an easy fight. And while i'm almost there, it isn't over yet. But I was lucky enough to be surrounded by folks who supported me. My friends' complete unchallenged understanding went a long way in maintaining my sanity on some days. So, thank you, all of you, for all those conversations, all the advice, and more importantly, the spoken and unspoken 'I am here if you ever need me.' Thank you guys, you'll are amazing!  

This blog post is nothing if not a culmination of that. Laying my heart bare. Being vulnerable… And showing it. 

2012 for me is unchartered territory. And I plan to deal with it, by surrendering. 

Here's to 2012.