Hiking the Blue Mountains

HIKING THE BLUE MOUNTAINS

I love hiking. It's my equivalent of a 'Zen' moment. I am never alone when out walking. It calms me, it relaxes me... It makes me feel insignificant. It makes me feel grateful. 

My favourite day out would be to pack a picnic lunch, go on a long hike, read by a river, watch the sun set and lie gazing at the stars. The romance of being in a forest is unmissable - the smell of the trees, the sounds of the birds, the feeling of exploring the unknown, and being so close to nature fills me with wonder and leaves me with a smile on my lips, and a glow on my face. Yes, I love am hopelessly in love with hiking. 

So, when chatting with a friend, reminded me of this email I'd sent some friends a few years back, I figured I needed to share this. Nostalgia flooded and I decided to publish it. So here you go, guys. One of my favourite places, doing on of my favourite things to do. 

This is one of those things I just HAD to write about. Crazy fun. No logic. Great company (read 'myself.') So, here's how it happened:

With exactly 3 days left in Australia, I decided I needed to do one more hike in the rainforests around Sydney. With most of the locales I chose about 3 hours train ride from Sydney, I decided to go back to Blue Mountains. It was slightly raining in Sydney, and I kind of had an idea that up in the mountains, the weather would be worse. But well, I had woken up and decided I wanted to do it, so went ahead. Geared in my sweater and jacket, I reached the station. The train from Town Hall reached Central at 9:18 and I was told I had exactly 3 minutes to get onto the train to the Blue mountains. In perfect filmy style, I ran up the stairs onto Platform 13. In one split second, I saw the raised hand of the guard heard the "Doors closing. Please stand...." A cinematographer would put me in slow motion as I ran into the train car and the doors slid shut behind me.

Now sure that I was destined to do this hike, I sat down enjoying the view. Reaching Katoomba, the weather was predictably cold and foggy. It started raining by the time I reached the Information Center and my jeans were wet. Indecision and doubts started swirling in my head, much like the fog outside. I realised that the more difficult the circumstances became, the more stubborn I got. I just had to do it now!

Reaching the Information Center, I decided on the Echo Point Hike. It takes one down the Giant Stairway about 1000 steps, and then across the rainforest for another 3 kms, before moving up the 1100 steps beside a series of cascades. All pumped up I started descending the steel stairs. My knees started wobbling by the time I reached the end of the stairs and was thinking why exactly was I doing it, when I looked up at the forest. Water dripping from the trees, the forest floor covered with lichen, fog around the branches of the trees, the whole atmosphere created a mystery and a romance that left an indelible impression on my mind. As I started walking, I felt a happiness for no reason. High on life, is what I was.

I crossed several tiny creeks that were swollen now with the rains. I jumped over fallen branches. I inhaled the fresh crisp autumn air. For the briefest second, the sun came out. It felt like I was in the theater, and several spotlights had been turned on, all at once. Light sieved through the leaves, and the fog seemed to vanish. I almost forgot to breathe! To add to the climax, a lyre bird appeared out of nowhere and hopped into one of the under growths. I watched the magnificence of the forest unfold before me, dumbstruck!

Taking a few moments to capture the memory on the film of my mind, I moved on. Soon, I reached the Leura forest which had some shelter. Stopping there, I had a picnic with Vitamin Water and Chocolate Muffin. The water had seeped into my bag by now. My jeans were weighing a ton. Taking all the practical measures, I secured my camera, and rolled up my jeans. The half inch of water in my soggy shoes could not be helped. So, I walked on towards the Stairway that would take me up.

The first cascade I reached was Margherita Falls. It allowed me just a sneak view of the falls through the trees. Just enough to see it, and wanting to see more. I wandered a little off the trail until I could fully catch the majesty of the high falls. Climbing the steps in bouts of a 100 each, made it simpler. Not to forget the constant view of waterfalls and overhanging cliffs. I lose count of the number of times, I took one turn and beheld a totally different view from what I had seen a second before. Light and rain played tricks as I watched the magic.

Finally, I almost reached the top of the stairs, and the trees cleared. The heavy fog returned, and through the fog, I saw a cafe. Entering it, I ordered a hot chocolate. The friendly lady chatted with me as I dipped my marshmallow into the chocolate and dried my soaking clothes. Time was soon up and I left the warm cafe and started towards the train station.

Next day, I could not help smiling as I woke up. I closed my eyes again and relived the forest. The Romance of being there.  Reality struck, as my thighs groaned when I stepped out of the bed...

So there you go. Now you know what makes me tick. 

Go, do this yourself. Find a track to walk on - by the beach, in the forest or just in your city. Take detours, sit under a tree. Disconnect from the world, and connect with yourself. 

Happy birthday to me!

That sums up pretty well how I felt exactly a week ago.

It was my b’day and, to tell you the truth, I had an amazing one this year. From dinners, to brunches, to high teas. From gifts to personal emails to calls from all over the world. I was surprised, I was pampered, I was loved. I was made to feel special, and I loved every minute of it. 

Bdays, in general, make me absurdly happy!! They are my SPECIAL'EST day.. I wait for them all year round, and am inexplicably happy. For not just that day, but the entire week. 

And in my own silly romantic way I want it to be a special day for not just me, but for all the people close to me. I am happy and I want to share my piece of happiness with you. I want to love you and be loved… 

A bunch of flowers on my b’day mean more to me than diamond jewellery the week after. A small gesture, a hug - an indication you care.

That’s all it takes.

But it's now time for return gifts. A huge Thanks to all my friends. ...And this is where words fail me. 

Thanks for remembering me, cherishing me, loving me and caring for me. I truly believe I have the best.

Thanks for for the laughs we shared and the scandals we created, for the impromptu chats and the international calls, for the text to say you're thinking of me, for carrying me through my moments of pain and despair.

Thanks for being there.

I love you all. 

Fuelling my theatre fix

I’ve always loved the intimacy of theatre and specially, community theatre. After California, where I would often visit the Mountain View theatre to indulge myself (and saw the extremely impressive ‘Life of a Travelling Salesman’ by the Jewish theatre company), I found myself looking for something similar here in Sydney.

Thankfully, a friend of mine introduced me to Newtown’s theatre group, called ‘Crash Test Drama,’ As awesome as that name is, the fun bit is what they do. A bunch of playwrights get together and submit 10 min scripts. And on the day, actors and directors show up, pick up a script and then perform after rehearsing within an hour! So, its fast paced, fun and hilarious. [I know because on my first time there to watch, I somehow got pulled into acting in one of the plays! A snobby foreigner-model, nonetheless! Ahem…]

Anyway, Crash test Drama then led to Short and Sweet (http://www.shortandsweet.org/sydney) run by the same friend and again comprising of similar short 10 min plays.

Sadly, I wasn’t able to attend many other nights (the festival runs over 3 months), but did manage to get into one of the finals, this weekend. Have to say it was good fun! The variety you see is quite interesting, most were funny and light, some downright intense, while others managed to strike a balance between portraying a serious issue in a light vein.

The acting in some of the plays blew me away, as did the creativity. Not having access to the props and budgets that big productions have, community theatre thrives on the strength of their actors, directors, playwrights and supporters. And I have to admit, inspite of seeing some big productions, the ones I remember are the ones I saw in a dark small theatre, so close to the actor that I thought they were acting for me. ..and that is the power of community theatre.

So, all in all, if you’ve been thinking of checking out the theatre scene in your local city, cannot recommend enough that you do that now. Right now! 

Of dolphins, seals, kiwis and Kiwis. 

New Zealand is awesome. Period. It is all the synonyms of ‘stunning’ sewed together in a sentence.

The 10 days I spent there last month passed a little too quickly for me. I like to call it the degustation plate. I could only briefly touch both the north and south island,but now know at least enough to know where I want to spend my time when I go back. (Yes, when, not if…)

Auckland is lovely. Landed there to a gorgeous 27 degrees and had to change out of my boots and woollen dress, the weather forecasts had warned me against. Drove around the city…Viaduct, Mission Bay and Mt Eden. And a lovely dinner to round it off. NZ gave me a very warm welcome.

Next day, inspite of the rain, decided to go up to the Waikatara ranges and do some hikes. I’ve always thought there was something romantic about being in the forests during rains. And being there with a long lost friend made it all the more special. Spent more than an hour sitting by a waterfall talking about life and lost loves, relationships and religion. And everything else in between.

One always yearns for friendships one can savour, ones where you can be away for years and then pick up the threads where you left them. I am lucky and grateful to have more than a few of those… And this rainy afternoon filled with laughter and emotions proved that once again.

From that unknown waterfall, we walked straight onto another planet. Or so, it seemed. KareKare beach was my first black sand one, and I wasn’t prepared for this when I entered it after a walk through dunes and bush for about 20mins

All of a sudden, the grass cleared and I was looking at what Earth might have looked like at the start of the planet. No other human being could be seen as far as we could see, and the dead skeleton of the tree somehow added to the eerie beauty of the place. I must have stood spell bound for minutes, taking in the high cliff, the angry waves, the black sands and the complete isolation. I will not deny, I had goosebumps. 

Next day was quite different. Went to the Sunday market, and walked around nibbling on blueberries and baked treats, tasting manuka honey at every other stall, and looking at local handicrafts. As the rain turned heavier, headed to the car for a quick drive around the city and up to Takapuna and Devenport. Takapuna beach had completely encroached the banks and there was no beach left! Walked around some more, talked some more and ate some more. Including one very delightful stop at the ‘Sweet Chimney.’

With the north island adventure over, headed down south to Christchurch. Living in Australia, I thought I was prepared to see CHCH as an earthquake ridden city. But renting the car and driving into the city, I realised I wasn’t. The CBD is still cordoned off and had to take a detour to get to the motel. Sobering drive. And enough to pique my interest to go see more of it.

After a slight delay in the motel, headed off to see what damage had actually been caused to this lovely garden city. And let me tell you, it was a lot. Several sections of the main city were gutted. Buildings with gaping holes, and wires pulled out by the ferocious tremors were proof enough.

Christchurch was like a beauty scarred. Inspite of how badly her face was hurt, you could see how beautiful she must have been. The river, the old cathedrals, the bridges and the gardens. It hurt just thinking how a few minutes could change that, and a year later, with no one on the roads, made it clearer that unfortunately, she was being abandoned.

To shake off the sober mood, went off to hunt for some local clumsy birds! Being the oldest island to have been been discovered, NZ has been able to maintain its endemic wildlife, before the rats and rabbits took over, meant there still are some birds there that are quite rare and not found anywhere else in the world!

Now, you will notice a similarity in all birds of NZ. They all waddle and personally, I think, they would all make exceptional cartoon characters. True Story! I think the road runner had it easy as they didn't have to compete with a 'Kakapo Show!' 

Having no natural predators, most birds here do not fly. But being quite big birds means they are all quite entertaining and adorable!

It was kinda awesome, as we walked around the Willowbank park looking at all the different bird species we hadn’t seen before, and almost treasure hunted the Kiwis, which were hidden away almost at the end of the trail. As the birds are nocturnal, they are kept in dark cabins and very hard to see. I earned my dinner by spotting one first. Yay me!

Next day was reserved for dolphins in the cold and freezing Akaroa. The hector dolphins are small and live in twos and threes. As I was freezing in my two layers already, did not even contemplate going into the water to swim with them. Also, to be honest, they were kinda boring. I had seen lots of dolphins before and these weren’t any different, except for the fact that they are quite rare.

Almost as if the dolphins heard me and at the Daily All Hands decided to make me take my words back, they sent out the dusky dolphins in for a charm attack. The attack was to take place the next day at Kaikoura. …And wow, did they win! Dusky dolphins live in super pods of 100-300 and are very very frisky and playful! They are a thrill to watch. I got some amazing shots of them, though I was mostly just watching them with my mouth open..

Oh, yes, and retched. It was a bad day to be on the sea, and the entire boat was sea sick. The swells were high, though of course, that didn’t stop the dolphins from having their fun. They sped, glided, and twirled all around us.

So, ok, yes, dear dolphins. Here's a written apology: You win. You are awesome, and I am still smiling as I write this out!

However, being out on the seas in bad weather meant, it was an early night, but not before some really nice food at The Green Dolphin, and a visit to the seal colony we stumbled upon. …And NO, we didn’t keep going back and looking at them, again and again, who says we did? Who says? ....Ahem.

Talking about seals, if looking at them lazing on the beach is awesome, it is awesomer to be kayaking around their colony! In one of my most memorable days of the trip, we went around the seal colony, kayaking over the much calmer waters now, bobbing up and down as the fur seals waddled around, or swam looking for food, or simply lay on their backs, thermoregulating themselves, by sticking their flippers out of the water. … Yes, they do that!

By now, I was falling in love with Kaikoura and thought it was timely to walk her cliffs and beaches to make the bond stronger. There is a lovely hike that goes up to Point Kean from where you can see stunning visages of the ‘sky meets earth’ type. The sun played its part well, by coming out for a bit, and showing us what NZ is all about.

To round off a great day, it was time to go across the country onto the west coast, through the much famed Arthurs Pass. (which apparently, the Maori knew about, but didn’t tell the colonisers until much later! ..Ha! Now that is one of my favourite stories, I have to tell you! )

Talking about stories, here’s one for you. The one where I almost died. 
You see Arthurs Pass is the only pittstop you can take if you are driving across the country. And you see, the village consists of one motel, 2 restaurants and 1 convenience store… All of which close at 8pm. (which BTW, Lonely Planet reports it as 10.30 pm) So, if you arrive at 8.45 pm, it essentially screams, NO FOOD! ..And as you can imagine, after a 4.5 hour drive, that is not good news.

Thankfully, for my rich imagination which always assumes I will go hiking some day, lose my trail, and will have to spend a night in the woods, I always carry nut bars with me. I have often been made fun of what my tiny day pack carries, but mind you, my friends, if I am writing this today, it is because of those very nut bars!

So 2 nut bars, a few swearings and lots of wingeing later, it was time for bed. After impeccably planning that we need to get up at 6.30am, have breakfast at the iconic Arthurs Pass café at 7.30 before heading to the Franz Josef Glacier. Turns out I am not a good learner..coz turns out the café (or anything else for that matter) didn’t open until 8.

Hence, with more swearings and a grumbling tummy, we left the Pass to head off into the Kiwi wilderness again, hoping to find some place which served breakfast soon enough. Or else, it might be time to either knock on some farms, or simply butcher a cow or sheep, which seemed to be plentiful anyway.

Thankfully Hokitika came soon enough. After some food, and making amends with my tummy, it was time to conquer the blue glacier of Franz Josef! It was my first time seeing one, even if it was slightly weird walking through a rain forest to see one. The ice was blue, and it was quite intimidating thinking how old the ice in there must be.
As interesting the whole experience was, (and quite educational for my nerdy self) I have to say it didn’t quite do it for me. It could have just been how touristy the place was, and the way the place is run. I was slightly disappointed at the almost cookie cutter style of tours running in the place. But then, I wouldn’t know how to do it any other way. All in all, interesting but not a very fulfilling day.

Getting to Mt Cook national park which was the next stop in my itinerary took almost a day. Pitt stops at Lake Matheson (which was slightly disappointing..) and Wanaka were necessary to break the journey.

With that said, this was the most gorgeous day scenery wise. High mountains, ultra marine blue and turquoise lakes, rolling hills, wild flowers on the road side, gushing rivers and undulating plains..New Zeland was everything the LOTR promised us. I might have spotted a few horsemen of Rohan racing through the fields. This, exactly, was the dramatic scenery I had come to NZ for. 

Hiking in the Mt Cook National Park and seeing the Tasman Glacier was another highlight! The park is absolutely gorgeous. Its an experience to be had, and I would not be doing justice, no matter what pictures I post, or words I write. It’s a shame I had only a day to spend there, and staying in the park next time I’m there is definitely a good idea. Lake Tekapo, for all its great reviews, missed its mark with me.

Of course, it could have something to do with the 3 bedroom house, and basement with an axe, of a ghost house we stayed in. But that’s a story for another time.

Now, I know I am guilty of an overuse of the words beautiful and lovely in this post. But I had run out of words to define the stunning, jaw dropping loveliness of the country. It is unspoilt, and diversely landscaped. Not to mention the amazing Kiwis. They are extremely gracious hosts and genuinely nice and helpful people. (except when driving, and to Aussies, as it is claimed ;-)) It seems to be the kind of country that just makes everyone happy to be there.

I also happily noticed that the Maori were better intertwined with the Kiwi life. Much much more than the aborigines in Australia. I know my Aussie friends will be uncomfortable with me saying this, but its true. I’ve noticed that from all the streets, cities and ranges that have Maori names to how easily they are a part of the working society.

I only hope Australia can do the same some day.

All in all, I am definitely going back. So much more to see and do. 

For my complete set of pictures: https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150550896391682.372008.543981681&type=3

Reading challenge

I love reading.

And that would be an understatement. Let's just say I am a book whore. I love the printed black words, and as long as I can remember, I have been in love with them... Remember hiding my novels between my school books, and reading them late at night, or boiling over quite a few cups of tea, lost in a book, and the tea overflowing onto the stove.

And inspite of this several years old love affair, the sparks aren't even close to dying.
So, I am setting myself a reading challenge. Having picked up this bookmark at the airport bookstore (Yes, I have a Kindle, and yes, I am still fascinated by bookmarks... Something of a romantic old world charm, if you must know.), I've now decided to read at least 10 of these books that apparently are 'Must reads.'

Highly subjective, I find these lists (which miraculously appear all over the net, around Dec 31st) mostly contain a mix of the editor's personal choice and the classics. Anyway, having had already read almost half that list, I am now looking forward to reading 10 (if not more) this year.

For all my curious book worm friends, the list is:

Lord of the Rings series (JRR Tolkien)

1984 (george Orwell)

Pride and prejudice (Jane Austen)

The grapes of wrath (John Steinback)

To kill a mocking bird (Harper Lee)

Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)

Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)

A passage to India (EM Forster)

The Lord of the Flies (William Golding)

Hamlet (Shakespeare)

A bend in the river (VS Naipaul)

The Great Gatsby (Scott Fitzgerald)

Catcher in the Rye (JD Salinger)

The Bell jar (Sylvia Piath) 

Brave new World (Aldous Huxley)

The Diary of Anne Frank (Anne Frank)

Don Quixote (Miguel de Cervantes)

The Bible 

the Canterbury Tales (Geoffrey Chaucer) 

Ulysses (James Joyce)

The Quiet American (Graham Greene)

Birdsong (Sebastian Faulke)

Money (Martin Amis)

Harry potter Series (Rowling)

Moby Dick (Herman Melville)

Wing in the Willows (Kenneth Grahams)

His Dark Materials triology (Philip Pullman) 

Anna Kareina ( Leo Tolstoy)

Alice's adventure in Wonderland (Lewis Carroll)

Rebecca (Daphne Du Maurier)

The Curious Incident of the dog in the night time (Marc Haddon) 

On the road (Jack Karousc)

Heart of Darkness (Joseph Conrad) 

The way we live now (Anthony Troliope)

The outsider (Albert Camus)

The colour purple (Alice Walker) 

The life of Pi (Yann Martel)

Frankestein (Mary Shelly)

The war of the worlds (HG Well)

Men without Women (Ernest hemingway)

Gullivers Travels (Jonathan Swift)

A Christmas Carol (Charles Dickens)

Huckleberry Finn (Mark Twain)

Robinson Crusoe (Daniel Deloe)

One flew over the cuckoo's nest (Ken Kessey)

Catch 22 (joseph Haller)

The count of Monte Christo (Alexandre Dumas)

Memoirs of a geisha (Arthur Golden)

The Divine comedy (Alighieri Dante)

The picture of Dorian Gray (Oscar Wilde)

Which ones are you gonna polish off?

Shantaram (and others)

You sometimes come across books that make you pause and think, ponder over the bigger questions of life and you find yourself philosophising pain, hurt, joy, love and your very existence. They turn you into an Aristotle. This is the literature that you cherish long after having read them.

I have now added Shantaram to that list. It is profound, without being pretentious. It is clever, without being serious and it is so engaging that I read it in a week straight (might I mention at this point, its over 900 pages thick.) 

Briefly, it is the story of an Australian fugitive on the run. Landing in Bombay after breaking jail, he refuses to leave the city. He's falls in love with the country and soon surrenders to India and its varied charms. From living in the slums, and playing the local doctor, to working for the mafia, he does it all. 

But the book is as much about the story, as it is about the narrator and the characters he writes. The writing is impeccable. Gregory writes beautifully, and that is one of the things that sets this book apart. Gregory takes you on a journey, and you are soon at his mercy riding the roller coaster of his own emotions. His words have the power to make you laugh and cry. They wrench your heart and soar it high, as you join Lin baba in his adventures. 

I've always thought, a great writer is always a great observer of life. And Gregrory proves this better than anybody else I have read. He observes, he thinks and he expresses. He had me hooked from the first sentence " It took me a long time, and most of the world to learn what I know about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instant, while I was chained to a wall and being tortured." … Not once, but several times I found myself pausing and re reading sentences. The book is dog eared beyond repair. 

Also as a brilliant story teller, he tells an engaging tale. The book is fast paced and characters enter and leave the plot with perfect timing. Humour is timely and mostly dry. Characterization is meaty and complete. 

All in all, a brilliant book. A great read suitable for all tastes. It has it all - Drugs, Bollywood, mafia, murders, poverty, love and betrayal - a true 'masala' book as we would say in India! 

Shantaram also happened to be the third good book I read in a row! Recommend all of them. 

As an aside, and ironically all of these were recommendations from friends! So, while I am on book reviews, might be worth mentioning the others. 

- Last Chance to See by Douglas Adams (and Mark Cawardine): Much like Hitchhikers Guide, Adams injects humour into this book as he travels through the world looking for endangered species. Its a fascinating account of some of the most interesting creatures around the world. Telling his experiences through his deadpanned British humour glasses, Adams points out human frailties. This, for example, "The great thing about being the only species that makes a distinction between right and wrong, is that we can make up the rules for ourselves as we go along."

Its an easy read and has some interesting facts that I didn't know. 

Apparently, this was also turned into a BBC series, which I didn't know about, but guess what I am looking to watch now! 

- World War Z by Max Brooks: Nothing you expect it to be! Yes, its zombie fiction, and yes it talks about the apocalyptic world. But the similarities with other 'zombie' books ends there. The visceral gore is missing, for one. WWZ is written as a series of interviews with survivors done by the UN, after the war against zombies is over. There is no central character, but as the interviewees come from a range of cultural and geographic backgrounds, Brooks has had the opportunity to also raise several political issues. The stories of survival by themselves are interesting and entertaining. The idea of WWZ marking the end of a world as we are aware of, is the central theme. 

Again, and easy and interesting read. 

Here's to more reading in 2012! 

2011 in perspective

31st december always finds me reflective. Its not something I plan, but somehow always seems to happen. and its rarely about the past year and what it has brought to me, but always about how I have reacted to those events. How I have changed and grown. 

Which is also why I do not plan. I not like resolutions and goals. And I do not want to have a 365 day challenge. It's not for me. I do not want to be doing things, because I have committed to it. I want to do things because I am enjoying it. And so, while most people think about what they want to be *doing* in the coming year, I think about what I want to *be* in the coming year. 

I have always been a very private person. For all the 29 years of my life. I had one philosophy. I am strong, and I can bear it all, but in a childish naive way. I dreamt dreams I knew would not materialise, taking pleasure in the mere act of dreaming them. I took risks with my heart, knowing it would give me nothing but misery. However, somehow, even when I was close to someone, I never managed to give myself up completely, even though I accepted them and ebbed and flowed with their emotions. My mantra was, "Accept me in your life, and share your troubles, your joys with me. But do not ask me to do the same." It worked well with most people. Everyone thought I was strong and courageous. Almost emotionally unconquerable…A few however, wanted to know the real me. And that scared me. To this date, I do not know why.  

Sometime in 2010, I watched a researcher talk about vulnerability. It talked about how unless we opened ourselves up to hurt, we couldn't live fully. It spoke to me directly. I knew of the concept, and I was already doing that. But I didn't go the entire way, I took others into my life, but never gave myself up. And so I decided that 2010 would be about feeling more intensely. About fighting my natural instinct to give my heart to people and projects. It was a hard time, but I learned. Slowly, consciously at first, and a little more naturally later. 

And so, when 2011 came around it was but obvious that I would take the next step. Not just allow myself to feel intensely, but also express how I feel. This is was the major challenge. I had always felt intensely, but my emotions were often masked by an unreadable face. Someone once had told me, "Your face is always so serene, but your eyes are a treasure trove of emotions. And yet, they need to learn to be read." I knew it was time to put those emotions into words. 

So I always knew it would be an interesting year. What I didn't know that it would be further complicated by a sudden illness that would drag out the entire year. For about 8 months, doctors diagnosed and treated me, and the rest of the 4 months, I convalesced. What that also meant was that I was on medications. Medications that wrecked my emotional stability and had the power to turn me within an hour from a happy content person, to a raging mass, to a teary eyed, blubbering mess. For all of you who have known me long enough, you'd know how calm and collected I generally am. And that is not a facade. I truly believe in the 'This too shall pass,' and that's helps get me past most ups and downs in life. My own sister must have seen me angry about 3 times in my life. But things changed fast and now I needed every ounce of my self determination to fight the emotional demons that were trying to wreck havoc. 

It was tempting, very tempting, to crawl back into my shell. To not tell anyone how I felt. The excuse I used was they loved me and it would worry them. Whilst that was true in part, I knew I was also going back to my usual self defence. Shut down. And so I had to dig deep. I tried to express to the people closest to me, with as much equanimity as I could garner, exactly what I was going through. As I lay, night after night, for weeks, feeling the cloud of depression envelope me, or the cycle of obsession completely take over my mind, I kept reminding myself, This is a phase. this too shall pass. I remember clearly, at one point of time, being able to almost disconnect myself from my thoughts, and was able to tell myself, this is not you. You can fight it.

It's not been an easy fight. And while i'm almost there, it isn't over yet. But I was lucky enough to be surrounded by folks who supported me. My friends' complete unchallenged understanding went a long way in maintaining my sanity on some days. So, thank you, all of you, for all those conversations, all the advice, and more importantly, the spoken and unspoken 'I am here if you ever need me.' Thank you guys, you'll are amazing!  

This blog post is nothing if not a culmination of that. Laying my heart bare. Being vulnerable… And showing it. 

2012 for me is unchartered territory. And I plan to deal with it, by surrendering. 

Here's to 2012.